The Marriage Milestone: How Do You Know You're Ready?
Although marriage might be a significant milestone in life for you, you could have doubts about whether you’re ready yet. And that’s completely okay! Whether or not you’re prepared for marriage is a complex subjective question, since it involves personal, emotional, and practical factors. While marriage multiplies joy, it also brings in some profound challenges. Are you up for the challenges of married life? Since you’re on this post, maybe it’s time to find out!
Assessing Your Readiness and Evaluating Your Relationship
It could be difficult for you to assess your readiness accurately due to a lack of experience. But experience can be gained only by committing, and you would like to avoid making mistakes. So how do you answer this question? Nobody can answer this question for you. What do you do to find the answer? Break the question down. Answer the related questions and your responses will make it clearer to you whether or not you’re ready to start the next chapter of your relationship. Here are some questions you may want to ask:
Are you financially stable enough to support yourself and your future family?
Have you and your partner discussed your goals, expectations, and responsibilities regarding your life together?
Does your relationship have any recurring or ongoing problems?
Do you and your partner resolve conflicts and handle challenges maturely?
How do you communicate with your partner, especially during disagreements and conflicts?
Are you willing to push through the tough times together?
Are you comfortable discussing money matters with your partner?
How do you plan to navigate the differences in values?
Are your emotional needs met in the relationship?
Are you comfortable addressing intimacy concerns and desires with your partner?
This is by no means a comprehensive list of questions. It’s only meant to get you started. Add to it questions about everything that’s important to you. It’s a good idea to develop a list of question categories (such as future aspirations, roles and responsibilities, family and children, finances, intimacy, emotional support, health and wellness, personal development, and commitment) and then note down important questions under each category. The responses to these questions should give you a fair idea about your readiness for marriage. If you and your future spouse seem to be on the same page, you could be all set for a successful marriage.
You could take a more scientific, established, and quick approach with predesigned high-quality PAQs (Premarital Assessment Questionnaires), such as FOCCUS (Facilitating Open Couple Communication, Understanding and Study), RELATE (Relationship Evaluation) and PREPARE (Premarital Preparation and Relationship Enhancement). These questionnaires will help you understand areas that need improvement, and also the aspects that your relationship is already doing well in.
Important Things to Remember
There is no right or perfect age to get married. You get married when you feel like it, and not under any pressure from friends, family, or societal expectations. Definitely do not rush into marriage just because your friends are getting married.
You don’t have to wait a certain length of time before taking your relationship to the next level. You and your partner are the only ones who get to decide when the time is right.
Make sure you’re getting married for the right reasons. Carefully weigh your intention and motivation before making this huge commitment.
It’s unrealistic to expect to just magically feel ready for marriage at a certain age or because you met someone. Also, try to avoid making your readiness for marriage conditional on some factors, such as having your own house. Although stability is important, it’s not a prerequisite for marriage.
You will do your best to prepare yourself, but there are many variables when it comes to marriage. While your premarriage preparation will go a long way toward helping you face most challenges, you will at times face unprecedented issues. That’s why you need to continue your journey of growth and development even after marriage. Keep learning and keep accumulating lessons that only experience can teach.
Why is it Important to Prepare Yourself for Marriage?
You will naturally have some inclination and readiness for marriage, but you’ll need to put in some work in that direction as well. You might never feel completely ready for marriage. However, taking steps to get ready for marriage will go a long way towards divorce-proofing your marriage, and that’s necessary, considering nearly 40 percent of marriages end in divorce.
Make a note of these three suggestions backed by research:
Do not blindly rush into marriage. Many people in romantic relationships dive into marriage without careful consideration, only to get divorced within months.
Ensure that you and your partner share similar levels of commitment.
Avoid idolizing the person you’re going to marry since this often leads to disappointment.
Preparing yourself will help you enter into your marriage with confidence, knowing that you have sufficient skills and the right kind of understanding to build a healthy and strong relationship.
Steps You Can Take to Prepare for Married Life
Successful marriages require hard work and preparation, they’re not based on luck. Preparing for marriage will help you lay a strong foundation on which your relationship can endure and thrive through the trials of life.
Preparing While You’re Single
Contrary to what’s commonly assumed, marriage preparation does not start when you get engaged or when you’re set to pop the question. You can start preparing for your future marriage even before you’ve met your soulmate.
Embark on a Journey of Self-Discovery
How can you tell a potential spouse what’s important to you, if you do not know it yourself? Focus on developing self-awareness. Take a personality assessment test or two, to gain insights into your traits.
Try to understand your emotional needs and vulnerabilities. Really get to know yourself through practices such as journaling and mindfulness.
Take some time to reflect on past relationships and experiences. What worked and where did it go wrong? This exercise might give you clues about your attachment style and communication skills. Jot down your expectations from marriage and your preferences regarding your future spouse. If some of them seem irrational, you could reconsider them. Your friends, family, and counselor can help you with this endeavor.
Build a Supportive Network
Your circle not only impacts your views regarding marriage but also plays a significant role in how your relationship pans out. Be careful of who you surround yourself with.
A supportive network of family, friends, and mentors won’t just help you in your journey of choosing a good spouse, they will positively influence your growth and well-being before and after marriage. When you encounter challenges after marriage, you’ll get guidance and support from this network.
Work on Self-Development
Marriage intertwines two lives. It requires both partners to make changes to their routines to build a life together. Some habits, such as procrastination, negatively affect marriages and lead to routine arguments. Step into marriage with healthy habits to begin with. Heal your past wounds and work with your inner child. Pick up some time management strategies that will help you make the most of your alone time as well as your time with your spouse. Reading self-help books and attending workshops can help you learn more in less time.
While the prospect of merging lives and sharing everything with a special someone may seem exciting, it’s important to maintain your independence. You need independence in more than just financial matters. A husband needs to know how to take care of himself and do the household chores. The wife needs to understand she cannot (and must not) pressure the husband into spending every free moment with her. Both spouses need to learn life skills and have their own hobbies so that they’re not draining or suffocating the spouse. You should be able to have fun with and without your spouse. Strive for independence in all aspects.
Marriage Preparation When You’re in a Serious Relationship
When you’ve found the person you can imagine spending the rest of your life with, the preparations for marriage look a little different. Let’s take a look at what marriage preparation comprises when you’re in a serious committed relationship:
Communicate With Your Partner
Clear communication is crucial for every relationship. Your spouse should also be your best friend. Communication will help develop a deeper understanding between you two. Here are some subjects that you must talk about before marriage:
Future Family: Are both of you on the same wavelength regarding kids? Share your thoughts about family planning, parenting styles, and childcare responsibilities. While you’re on the topic of future family, also discuss the role of extended family members and friends in your family life.
Finances: The person you’re going to marry doesn’t have to be rich. The important thing is that the person should be financially responsible. When you’re in a serious relationship, you will have some idea about how they spend and their obvious financial habits. However, it’s important to clarify. Talk to each other about your financial goals and budgeting strategies. This is not an area that you should be shy or hesitant about discussing, especially with the person with whom you intend to spend the rest of your life.
Intimacy: You should be comfortable talking openly to your partner about physical intimacy aspects such as frequency, desires, and preferences. Intimacy may mean different things to each person, and expressing this in detail is vital for a healthy relationship. Discussing intimacy with your partner will help prevent multiple unnecessary conflicts down the road.
Expectations: Each partner steps into marriage with a certain set of expectations. The husband might have some preconceived notions about what a good wife does or how she behaves. The wife may have expectations and dreams. Expectations are usually built around what you’ve observed in your parents’ house/marriage. It’s wrong to expect your marriage to be exactly like your parents, or something from the movies/books. That said, it’s important to communicate about your expectations before you get married because both sides need to have a clear idea about what they’re saying “I do” to. It’s the expectation vs. reality situations that give rise to most conflicts.
Apart from the expectations regarding married life, there will be expectations regarding the wedding itself. For instance, one of the partners may have their heart set on a beautiful venue and may expect the other partner to go along with it. Ideally, you should discuss all decisions, including the selection of the wedding venue with your partner. Picking a venue that agrees with the preferences of both partners will double the joy.
Decisions related to the wedding day will also have financial implications. It may come as a surprise, but the wedding planning process breaks up many couples. Talk about your expectations regarding the wedding planning and preparation process. You may have to compromise in some places, especially if you have too high or unrealistic expectations. One may prefer a traditional wedding, while the other would like to have a sophisticated modern take on it. To meet both your requirements you can comprise on aspects like the venue, dining options and decor based on the theme. Both of you must have a say in the important decisions. Your wedding should reflect your individual styles as much as your shared love story.
Develop a Strategy for Conflict Resolution
Conflicts are inevitable in a marriage. How you manage the conflicts will make or break your relationship. Going into marriage expecting no conflicts is setting yourself up for failure. Rather, accept conflicts as a part of a healthy marriage and develop one or more strategies for conflict resolution. Ignoring the conflicts won’t resolve them automatically. It will only lead to an accumulation of hurt, the burden of which can break a marriage eventually. Learn ways to approach conflicts with maturity. When you argue, remember to stay on topic, and focus on ways to resolve the conflict, rather than making it a battle of egos.
Get Premarital Coaching!
LoveQuest Coaching offers a Premarital Prep Course designed to help couples to prepare for marriage as an investment in the future of your relationship.
In this course you learn how to enhance your communication skills, challenge some of your misguided beliefs, change some dysfunctional habits, and get rid of some preconceived notions, and fine-tune your conflict resolution strategies. Investing in Pre Martial Preparation is a demonstration of your commitment to create a growth-focused, God Centered, marriage that will thrive.
You both will also look at the first year of marriage and learn to set and achieve goals keeping you both connected and on the same page.
Wrapping Up
Preparing for marriage requires you to strive to understand and improve yourself as well as your relationship. All this work will bear fruit in the long term. Your shared journey ahead will become more of an adventure, and you’ll be able to tackle challenges with grace and resilience. To conclude, you will be truly ready for marriage when you decide you want to be ready and work toward this goal.