Want the best way to suck proof your relationship? Make it a point to know one another’s Love Language and follow it to the letter. When you know your love language and live it for a great relationship everything just flows. The problem is people often read or listen for information but not transformation. Here’s my equation which I’ll elaborate on further.
Information + Application = Transformation
If you have no idea what the hell a Love Language is, you will after you read this. I promise. You’ll also understand why it’s so important to determine your love language (even if you are single). I’ll break this down for you in this article, so it is crystal clear.
Back in 1995, Dr. Gary Chapman wrote a best-selling book called “The 5 Love Languages” which was a system he used when serving couples in therapy desperate to save their marriages.
I’ve studied Dr. Gary Chapman’s work and use it with my clients and I’ve taken it to another level in that in addition to couples, I use the Love Languages as a method of self-awareness and self-love for singles. I use it as a tool to get crystal clear on how you want to receive love and how you prefer to show love which, if not a match to your partners love language, can be a source of strain and disconnect in the relationship.
The way I see it is pretty simple. There’s a natural way we like to show love to others. There’s a natural way we like to receive love from others. BOTH have to be aligned. You can’t judge or criticize someone’s Love Language. You can’t read the books, listen to the audios without applying it. Information isn’t transformation. Transformation requires application. You can however, determine if you are willing to love someone the way they want to be loved (as they love themselves) and from there make some choices.
So, let’s get into it.
The 5 Love Languages according to Dr. Gary Chapman are as follows.
- Words of affirmation.According to Dr. Chapman, this Love Language uses words to affirm other people. I say the more specific you can get, the better. Telling someone they’re beautiful is nice, telling them their new workout routine is making their ass look tighter and that you admire their discipline and are inspired by them, well that is the magical spot of LOVE for the person whose love language is all about being told how wonderful, special and fabulous they are. When giving love, those with this love language will tell you how great you are. While this is lovely if it’s not your love language the words will be wasted on them. Remember… tell your partner what your love language is and then ask them what theirs is. Then remember it and have your actions reflect their love language.
- Quality time.This Love Language is all about giving the other person your undivided attention. Put your damn phones down and be in the moment with the other person. My boyfriend is a big quality time guy. So, if we’re watching TV or eating, even walking around together and I’m on my phone, he’s going to say something. This has radically changed the way I use my phone when together. It’s changed the way I use my phone when I’m with everyone. I make it a point to be fully focused on whomever I’m with.Those whose Love Language is Quality Time have difficulty being told their partner needs space. It’s important to close the loop with them. Saying something like, “I’m going to brunch with some friends and later I’d like to cook dinner and be with you. What do you feel like eating?” This puts their mind on the next time you’ll be spending quality time together instead of your desire to do your own thing.
- Receiving gifts. My Love Language is receiving gifts and words of affirmation. I’ve taken the quiz several times and these two are always tied. The challenge with this love language is that it puts unnecessary pressure on the other person. If receiving gifts is your love language you need to OWN IT and be open and honest about it. It’s truly the love language that rubs virtually everyone wrong. Either you’ll need to attract someone who is creative and actually loves the challenge of getting the best gifts for you or, you’ll have to show such over the moon appreciation for the small things they buy you, that they connect the dots and are behavior trained into buying you more stuff. My boyfriend knows that my love language is receiving gifts and he’s in sales which makes him very perceptive. He looks for opportunities to buy me stuff.
If you’re in a relationship with someone with this love language listen and watch when they linger around an item then ask them if they want it. They may say no if they don’t fully own their love language or struggle with worthiness in that they were made to feel bad or materialistic for their love language. I went through this. I had to love myself and accept the fact that I like those who say they love me to buy me stuff, my partner, my parents, my friends…everyone. I had a follower of my YouTube channel buy me a $10 Lego keychain of Yoda and I made the biggest deal celebration about it.
If they passively say no, like a kid, ask again.They need to feel that you accept their love language especially if they were criticized for it. Tell them you would like to get whatever the thing is they seem to want. My boyfriend pushed and bought me a new shower head and fluffy towels so I can have an abundant, luxurious shower experience. For less than $50 at Marshall’s, he transformed a big part of my day.
- Acts of service. This is the person who feels loved when someone drives them to the airport, cleans the bathroom, does the dishes, takes your car for a tune up. Fixes the drippy faucet. Refills the toilet paper, takes the laundry out of the dryer and bonus points folds it. If you’re a “do’er,” someone who likes to show love by doing nice things for others, you’ll be best suited for a person whose love language is acts of service.
The good news is that you can hire people to do the nice things you aren’t able to do yourself. For example,hiring an in-home chef to cook for you both, or a cleaning service for a year, having their car detailed or blindfolding them to reveal a perfectly organized, clutter free garage that you paid the kids to clean out. Get creative and either do nice things yourself or pay to get them done. Lighten their load with an act of kindness and you’ll be speaking their love language and will reap the rewards.
- Physical touch. This love language is easy to spot. If you’re with someone who greets with a kiss and a hug, snuggles up on you on the sofa, can’t sit next to you without holding your hand, likes giving and/or receiving massages, their love language is physical touch. These are the people who prefer to sit at the bar or side by side at a table in a restaurant.
Now here’s the magical part. YOU get to learn what your Love Language is too and you get to tell your partner how YOU prefer to receive love. Click here to take Dr. Gary’s free quiz. Then sign up to receive my free LoveQuest tip of the week and comment below in this blog telling me what your love language is. Like the LoveQuest Facebook Like Page and comment where this article is posted, telling me your love language. Once I hit 50 comments, I’m picking a random winner to receive a complimentary Power Coaching session, a $149.97 value!!
If you’re interested in exploring your Love Language further so you can get clear on how you prefer to receive and show love, let’s connect.
About Lisa Concepcion:
Lisa Concepcion, Certified Professional Dating & Relationship Transformation Expert and Founder of LoveQuest Coaching™ specializes in helping people transform their love lives within 90 days beginning with self-love, the most important love there is. Through her programs rooted in the Law of Attraction, Lisa quickly empowers people to clearly define the relationship they want then helps them to adopt the mindset necessary to manifest and maximize it. Lisa is a recognized life coach specializing in dating, relationships, self-love, break-ups and divorce with the Institute of Professional Excellence in Coaching, endorsed by the International Coaching Federation. She’s based in Miami Beach and serves as a dating and relationship expert to the masses by conducting sessions remotely via video conference to help people worldwide.