Originally written November 2015. At the time of this article, I’m at day 56 of my 90-day Post Break up Detox Plan. I am rebuilding after a breakup using law of attraction. This self-imposed, self-created 90-day process calls for processing the relationship, healing myself, and an introspective, truthful, analysis without any distractions whatsoever. The strong soulful side of me says I was emotionally rocked by a relationship that I manifested to serve some grand purpose for my soul’s elevation. Yeah, whatever… it hurt like hell. I manifested a situation where I someone who I thought would never ever hurt me, did. It rattled me to my core and I’m mending a broken heart.
So now as I proceed to live my life, my vibe has switched. These day’s I’m asked, “Lisa, why are you single and what are you looking for?” I was often asked this question while separated from my now ex-husband but my answer back then was always muddy. I would explain that I was still sort of married, separated, we’re friends, we don’t live together or have sex anymore but it was complicated.
Now that I’m divorced, and freshly out of a subsequent relationship, my answer now is really clear. I’m single because I want to attract the man that I’ll spend the rest of my life with. I want something real, true and everlasting and I’m actively working on my alignment with my Source within so I can accomplish my own LoveQuest mission. I have to stop hurting myself by manifesting relationships that carve my heart out with a spoon, proceed to show me my own bloody beating heart before it is then flung onto oncoming traffic. It’s rough. I’m sensitive and I keep attracting people and situations that hurt me. I have to vibe better to get better. This what I am working on now. Alignment!
After this last breakup, which I now refer to as a self-manifested Category 5 emotional tornado epitomizing the power and force of Law of Attraction, I dove into the lectures of Abraham Hicks. Through her teachings (yes, Abraham is a woman), she has inspired me to make how I feel, my emotional state, my top priority as I rebuild myself. Kabbalah, Abraham Hicks and Dr. Carla (my therapist), have become my LoveQuest Squad. So now, I’m single. I mean really, really, reaaaaallly single.
It occurred to me days after my therapy session (when the brain bombs planted by the therapist go off) that I have not been alone since I was 17 years old. I was always a girlfriend, a fiancée, a wife, and a friend with benefits regardless; I was always some label that made me somehow connected to a man. I remember when my ex-boyfriend would ask me if I was “all his” and I’d smile big and say, “yes! YES! I’m yours.” It was my comfort zone. Belonging to someone means safety to me. It means I’m cared for and valued. I belong to someone.
I knew this was an issue and as I grew older it intensified. Once I separated from my husband, my need to belong to someone, my husband or anyone who would come along and scoop me up and love me, was like molten lava bubbling waiting for the right time to explode. The eruption came with my manifestation of the perfect emotional storm comprised of divorce and falling in love with my now ex-boyfriend and the heartbreak that came. All of this intensity occurred within 6 months. Ouch!
As I heal from my very own manifestation and peel back my onion layers without belonging to anyone but myself, I become more and more thankful for all the heartache and the necessary soul collision I had with this man who I truly fell for, hard. I manifested this relationship on the heels of the decision to finally divorce my husband who I was separated from for four and a half years. So I went from being separated, still legally married to being someone’s girlfriend. It overlapped. This is a pattern in my life. I’d line up another relationship before ending one then slide right into the new one. Be alone? Why? For what?
I divorced my husband on July 13th 2015; I was a crying mess at court. It was sad. My marriage and was over. I wiped my tears with a Kleenex and immediately was texting and talking to my boyfriend. Later that evening, I was having dinner with my boyfriend with kisses and words of love equally exchanged. We were two broken little love addicts getting high on love together. It was bliss. It was like putting a Band-Aid on a tumor.
I guess this is why we had our soul collision. We both attracted one another to learn a huge lesson. During the relationship, while my emotional side was high on love, my logical side is thinking, this can’t be good. It feels fantastic but some shoe has to drop. Well it was more like a boot kicking me in my ass. While I was in this blissful state of love on steroids, did I even have time to process the gravity of ending a 24-year relationship with a man who I still consider family; whose friendship I truly miss? Nope. I didn’t.
So now, I’m dealing with the double whammy of mourning the end of my marriage and the fact that my ex-husband and I don’t have the same relationship we had when we were separated which I suppose, is a good thing. Maybe Law of Attraction brought me the ex-boyfriend to move me forward after my divorce. My ex-husband isn’t coming over just to hang out, eat dinner and do laundry. He’s not calling me to see if I want to go food shopping at Trader Joe’s. We’re not hanging out on weekends, renting movies, going to movies and basically acting like a married couple that sleeps in different apartments without having sex. There’s no limbo there anymore. He’s off into his own relationship and my vibrational frequency isn’t aligned with his anymore.
Simultaneously, I’m dealing with grieving the ex-boyfriend. I miss the good stuff we had. The good was really, really reaaaaallly good. He sold me a dream and despite logic, emotions won and I believed it. I had hope. Actions now show me that it was a lie, or at least the main parts of it were, so it hurts. The fact that I manifested all of this is overwhelming. Dr. Carla urges me not to be so hard on myself with this Law of Attraction stuff but I can’t help it. I have this thing with personal responsibility. My vibe brought me this mess. So only I can vibe myself out of it.
Through therapy, I’ve learned that I’m a love addict and Dr. Carla wants me off the LOVE drug, cold turkey, for at least 6 months. This means no dating, at all, like NOTHING, oh and… no sex. In my warped mind, sex is an expression of love so when I have sex without the love part, I feel terrible and it sends me into a mental swirl of very bad self-talk. It’s just not good. It’s hurtful and I can’t hurt myself.
Sex to a Love Addict is what I’d imagine wine is to a recovering alcoholic. It’s more than just something you can enjoy with a great meal and be done. I think of my cold turkey, love addiction therapy as my training period for a grueling “Emotional Iron Woman Competition.” The side effects of battling love addiction, from what I’ve experienced are, rapid weight loss due to stomach knots over the recent breakup (I dropped 12 pounds in less than a month), rumination and depressive swirls, bouts of crying, disturbed sleep, crying at commercials, the need to watch Eat Pray Love 4 times in a 72 hour period, obsessive thoughts about the ex-boyfriend, the ex-husband, my dog, my future, the desire to have a time travel machine so I can go back to the future, blank staring into space, or into the fridge, or closet as if the answers of the universe are somewhere behind the Snapple or my folded jeans.
Factor into the mess that it is the holiday season and that the ex-boyfriend and I had planned to go to NY so he can meet my family. His idea! The universe had other plans. So, tis the season to get a bottle of Moet Chandon and raw cookie dough sit, eat, drink and cry and cry or…dress up hot go out, and avoid mistletoe at all costs. On the bright side, the annual Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show is on so I can always walk around my apartment in my underwear and feather wings! That will lift my spirits. Yeah, sexy lingerie that only my dog will see, yeah… no love, no romance, quit cold turkey, awesome!
So what’s the big lesson in all of this? There are a few.
1. Be Alone and Thrive There (or at the very least, be cool with it.)
I obviously wasn’t cool with being alone, like ever. I’m an only child of divorced parents who was very much alone as a kid. I just stayed out of the way. I was crying on the inside and wasn’t really free to show my hurt. So I developed this incredibly entertaining, charming, fabulous and may I add, stylish suit of armor. I retreated into my own head. I lived in fantasies of a future life. I could not wait to grow up. Adulthood was freedom. I never did drugs or abused booze, so I would just escape in my mind. I was physically there but I wasn’t mentally present as a kid, at all.
So now at 44, I am forced to be present with me! I find myself slipping into thoughts of the past and playing out a hopeful future. I do this way way too much. I create scenarios in my mind. I live in the future and it’s making my present incredibly challenging so now, I get to apply these cool tools to set my time machine to NOW and keep it there. It’s hard.
As a love / relationship addict, I view the world with a LOVE first, and then all else flows from there, sort of perspective. The ex boyfriend and I bonded over this shared worldview. I remember him saying, “nothing matters more than love babe, this is how I think,” and me replying with eyes wide nodding, “OH MY GOD Meeeee toooooo!! I think the exact same way. If I’m not in love I’m lost and it leads to hurtful things.” The ex boyfriend and I both, as he put it, “love hard.” We love the whirlwind. We love falling in love and being in love but the difference between us is that he finds comfort in the toxic battle between feeling and not feeling love or anything for that matter. It’s sad. Imagine someone who wants love more than anything but then fearing it so much that when he gets it, he sabotages it. It’s a cycle of feeling and numbing. Not me. I know I’m worthy of love. I just want the love train to go, go, go, 150 miles per hour all of the time. Either way, it’s not reality. I know this. This fact in itself is something I’m grieving. My entire perspective about love is romanticized and it leads me to set absurdly high expectations and hurt myself. So I shall follow doctor’s orders and roll solo until I can thrive or at least be cool with being alone.
2. Have a relationship with yourself and understand it will be complicated.
The cliche is true! In order to truly love another, once must truly love oneself. Truthfully sometimes, I suck. I do. I’m supposed to say, “Lis, doll face, you suck at this, that and the other and you’re kinda a hot little mess right now, but you have a great heart, you care for people, you’re generous, funny, witty, smart, authentic, charming, capable, a kick ass writer and damn good marketer and despite life’s drama; you somehow still have the ability to have a good time. Smiling through chaos and upheaval takes courage. You refuse to crawl into bed and draw the shades. You don’t linger in the sad for an extended period of time. You refuse to. You reach for better thoughts. You don’t need drugs prescribed or otherwise. You don’t need to shop your pain away, booze out of control, or numb with casual, superficial, sex. You just need good music, a spin class, your mind, a book, a bikini and a beach. You’re aware that you are ‘handling” some stuff and that there’s an endpoint to this phase of your life. You understand that you are here because of a prior manifestation, which led to your expansion of new desires that you’ll align with. You’ll manifest new things and circumstances and this will be repeated throughout your life’s journey. You’re hard on yourself when you must be caring and kind. So love yourself unconditionally. No matter what. You trusted someone and gave them your heart and got it broken so don’t kick your heart while it’s down! Pick it up and nurse it, learn and become more protective of yourself. You’ll ask the right questions and get the right information before falling in love and then make decisions that serve YOU first and by doing so, you’ll be able to give and receive love more that ever imagined. Finally, you’re 44 with 45 rapidly approaching and you’re pretty damn hot and you are just now tapping into your power to align with Source and manifest all that you’ve ever wanted. You got this Lis. Relax, have some chocolate milk.”
3. How you feel means everything, I’m serious, everything.
Law of attraction is no joke. Never EVER lower your frequency to meet that of another. If you’re a happy, upbeat, positive person understand that people will want some of what you got but they have to get their vibe to match yours. They can! That’s the good news. It is possible. However, it’s only possible if they truly believe it and truly feel worthy of feeling good. Vibrational frequency is everything and how you feel determines your frequency and what you attract. Feel great with a tinge of fear and whatever the thing is that is making you feel so great won’t last. That great job won’t last because deep down you know the people suck. That vibration will attract a layoff or another opportunity to get you out of the awful job that you yourself manifested from an “off” place. That amazing relationship won’t last because deep down you know something is a little off. You can feel it. You can’t lie to the Universe. You’ll manifest something to put you exactly where you must be. That’s how law of attraction and the universe works. It’s powerful. So get your vibe on point. To manifest everything great that you’ve ever wanted you must match your vibrational frequency so it comes to you. Feel great in the absence of a relationship and watch the best relationship appear.
My goal is to get myself to a place where I say, “I rebuilt my life.” I love my career. I love the people I work with. I love what I’m doing every day, I’m helping lots of people and it’s fun! I am feeling so great in my life and I’m open to love. Love will be the Béarnaise sauce to an already delicious steak; an extra add on that you love when it’s there but your world won’t end if it’s not. I’m not there yet. When I fall in love and it ends, my world, as I know it ends too and that’s not good.
The emotional scale is an incredible tool, which helps us to pay close attention to how we feel, so we can reach towards a better feeling thought to evoke a better feeling emotion. When I get sad thinking about being lied to by the ex and ruminating over, I think of him dancing around in his underwear. He’d pull them up high and do this hysterical dance and it just lit me up. I think of the other stuff we’d crack up about. We had this quick wit and banter with each other, can’t fake laughter and we had tons of it.
I think of his face when we’d greet each other after being apart. We’d greet each other like how your dog greets you at the door, always a party. “Heyyyyyy baaaaabe!!” I’d even clap. “Yayyyy, you’re heeeere!!” I’m blessed to have 24-years of great times and memories from being with my ex-husband. I always think of how he would take my face in his hands when he kissed me and how out of nowhere he’d pull me by my shirt to him and we’d hug tight. It was funny, sweet. I have a lifetime of memories of loving, being loved and just good times and laughter with guys. So yeah, I reach for the better emotion, the better feeling. Then not only do I feel better, I’m reminded these feelings existed and they were real. I felt them. So I can manifest them again. This gives me hope.
This past week was Thanksgiving. It was the first one where I wasn’t a wife or girlfriend. It was rough, not going to lie. I had high expectations for this holiday season because I had a boyfriend and hope in us. I cried a lot during therapy. However, I keep reminding myself that manifested this. This was MY doing. There’s perfection in the chaos.
The universe is giving me exactly what my vibrational match is. If I want different I must vibe different. Days before Thanksgiving, I manifested a lovely invite from a friend to come eat turkey at a small gathering at her place. I was grateful to be there. Christmas and New Years is next! I’ll manifest some magic for myself. I’m sure of it. It’s where my vibrational frequency is. Come on universe, feel my vibe!!
Sure it would have been great to go to New York to see my family introducing them to my new love but now I guess I’ll go home to see my family in love with mmyself and my unknown future I’m creating! I’m at day 56 of 90 so in 34 days I see where I’m at. It will be 3 months since the cat 5 tornado of break ups happened. It will be January and the start of a whole new year. The slate wiped clean I suppose. I have no idea how I’ll feel. Wait… hold on… yes I do. I’ll feel great because I know how to choose the better feeling. If I feel the way I do right now as I’m writing this article then, yeah, I’ll be great!
Lisa Concepcion, writer, speaker, vlogger and Founder of LoveQuest Coaching™ is a Professional Life Coach specializing in dating, relationships and self-love. Originally from New York now based in Miami, Lisa candidly shares the valuable lessons she learns on her own LoveQuest journey offering online workbooks and video workshops, group workshops, one-on-one sessions, and seminars, to help people attract, give and keep love starting with love of self. Connect with Lisa via her YouTube Channel or by visiting LisaConcepcion.com